Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
