I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
