Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize