At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize