I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
