We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
