So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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