Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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