First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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