I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize