You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
