why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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