Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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