I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
