textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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