Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
