so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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