So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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