So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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