Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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