Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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