Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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