I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
