hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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