Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
