I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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