bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
