So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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