i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Did I show you my penis last night?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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