Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
