she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
