oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
