when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
