It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
