I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
