it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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