sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
