i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
