I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
