One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My life is pants optional.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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