so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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