I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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