i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
