Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
