Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
