you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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