I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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