I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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