Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
