You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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