i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize