He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
