I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
time to smoke my breakfast
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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