my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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