It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just forgot I was standing up.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
