Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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