The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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