I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
