Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
