Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Is Oprah even human
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
