What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He passed out mid-signature
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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