Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
