True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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